enital Jousting is every bit as hilarious as it sounds. That being said, it's the type of game I would be selective in who I talk to about it. Any of my friends? Sure. Colleagues? Probably not. The story stands as we assume control of a certain red penis, named John. As soon as I heard the narrator's sophisticated voice say his name I knew we'd be along for a cleverly written ride. It very much gave Stanley Parable vibes. Except instead of focusing on the 4th wall it focused on penises and innuendo. Everyone is a penis, including the females and they also have a butt. We assume control of John in his apartment. He's late, we get him breakfast, showered, dress and rush him off to work. As he sneaks in he's swarmed by a dozen penises, the morning rush.
My boss, a penis with a suit and glasses tells me off and I get to work. My job? A dildo tester. Of course... The controls are quite simple. Left and run shifts the direction of John like a snake. You can press B to move in reverse and the butthole will suck items up. This our grabbing function, use it to get a knife and cut a cake with your butt. Pick up a brush and paint a Picasso with your ass. The front end can also use the foreskin to latch onto items or press buttons such as TVs, vending machines, etc. What's here is used effectively with a varied environment. Every scene is different with a humours action and some clever narration behind it. The story of John is that of a loser. You test several dildos before taking on a highly experimental one.... "Dear God no John that is too much please for one anus to handle"... we cut to the nearby office. It begins to quake, and not long later a vibrating John crashes through, causing all kinds of ragdoll filled havoc as he destroys the office and his co-workers space.
After finishing a day of testing he asks a co-worker on a date. They go and have a thoroughly average time. "Why wouldn't Barbara laugh at his jokes? He was just shooting blanks". He insists on walking her home and she does not invite him in. He has a flashback to his high school where Molly tells him no one will ever love him. A recurring nightmare. These are getting worse as his high school reunion is just around the corner and he needs to get a date to "prove to everyone he's not a loser". After failing he says fuck his job and decides to go travel and become more cultured, maybe then someone will go with him. After thoroughly defiling the wonders of the world and several airports we return home.
With an empty back account and a head full of stories John decides to join "Weiner", the dating app. He's selective at first... "get a date", then less, and eventually your objective is "get any date". Describing these dates as subpar is overselling it. One has you visit a "dirty girl" who lives in absolute filth, surrounded by flies. Another has you go to a wedding. The only reason you're there is to make the groom jealous, a poor plan. Your date objects and all chaos breaks loose as all the woman fight over the groom. After barely escaping John wonders "Why the groom and not John? Well he was strong and hard. John needs to get hard...". At the gym you find your recurring friend Sam, he expressed concern at you quitting your job and do so again now. But John ignores him and powers through the gym. He gets cut, he gets hard and decides to hit the bars.
Then he realises he got the date wrong, the reunion is today. So he decides hit some bars and find a date. He fails at one, and gets thrown out. Then another, then another. He's thrown into an alley full of trash and then moves to another. After cleaning up he tries to get a mint. It takes his money but no mint. He lets everything go, absolutely destroying the machine. He gets his mint in the end and my god does it feel good. He comes onto a woman, a guy has a problem with it and a fight ensues. "It's a no bars held cock fight". He wins the fight... he wins. He's not a loser! Ah huh! He must go to the reunion, and beat everyone up. He goes, he beats up his bullies, and they all stare at him like he's a loser. Just like in his nightmare. He's kicked out and here he find Molly. She asks if he's okay. She asks why she said he'd never find love and she says "Do you not remember?" After too much drinking John passes out. We take control of Sam, on a stroll. He comes across John and wakes up him, convincing him to go for a walk to cheer him up. They go, together. Now I'm controlling both penises, one per analogue stick. Sam gives John a lot of great advice, like "wanting isn't the same as loving" and "keep trying, you'll find what you're after". You've made a lot of positive change John. Eventually they hire bikes, penises on bicycles, which is just absurd. The game ends on a beach as they sit there and relax soaking in the moment, two penis's watching the sunset. "Life can be hard" Sam said, "But that doesn't mean we have to be".
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